Who Am I?

I often wondered at how many thoughts I have, and how few words. Where does my soul find full expression? When it is turned towards me, or towards others? And moreover, I contemplated how humans spend most of their days inside themselves, even though they wish to be together. Now it is no longer clear to me who I truly am.

Imagine a person who remains silent throughout his life, only conversing with himself. Is there a better partner than his own being?

Of course, for if I could not express my world to you, what would I have been to myself? If it  weren't for the environment that challenges my world, what would I have been?

You would have been helpless, and that is a horrible feeling.

And what is there for the lonely person? He does not truly have someone to talk to except for himself, and characters with different voices appear in him, who speak amongst themselves on various matters. But who truly decides in his practical life? Who sets the tone? Who is the true Self between the numerous characters in his mind?

 Is this not the theater of life in which a person plays various characters in his mind, and outwardly represents just one major role? How dire is the loneliness of the person who for most of his existence was nothing but the audience watching his own life’s play?

Where is the wisdom in such enchanted questions? Help me find solace, be a worthy director of my own life’s play.

Be yourself amidst your own characters and accept the burden of existential loneliness. Only by that you could appreciate the company of your friends, the ones who themselves are so eager for an audience in their life’s theater. They too live in silence amidst their various characters, seeking solace among the crowd.

How could you know that? Do all men truly hold a cast of characters in their mind, who aids them to contend with loneliness? Is that the reality of the struggling person?

Turn your gaze inwards and you will see: people are so alike that you would think they will learn compassion.

If I would learn to understand my existential loneliness, which forces me to accept that even though I will be loved no end, still only my conversations with myself will be wholly understood. Only the person himself can see his mind completely. His friends can only go so far, and no farther.

And even if you faced those of the outmost genius and infinite sensitivity, even if you had the ability to express yourself to the highest degree - still you would always be alone in your finest thoughts, the ones that no man but you can ever understand.

How did you become so vain as to determine that I must contend with myself without the aid of a friend? They understand me to the core, for I strip bare before them!

Even if we could analyze the soul, as if it were an exact science, even then certain wirings only you know of would be hidden from observers. For you cannot divulge this information to anyone, and it is possible that this information is hidden even from you.

Then how different are the experiences of a person who can express words to the millions, and of one who has never uttered a single word from within his soul? After all, both of them are lonely in their being. Both of them are completely alone… Moreover, it seems that those who are silent are the ones who have accepted the burden of loneliness, while those whose speech never ends merely deny their loneliness in long mutterings.

Do not be a hero for silence. It is good for a person to share their spirit with loved ones, and even embarass themselves in front of strangers. There is a good fight in that. But beforehand, you must recognize in yourself that only you can truly see your light. Or think of it this way: what is falling in love other than seeing yourself in another’s soul? Suddenly and wordlessly you have seen the loneliness of your thought in her world, as if you silently shared a conversation.

As if I repressed a thought that only I knew and never told anyone, and saw that she has the same one. A person falls in love with himself in his love for her, as if he took root in her.

Don’t rush to such malicious thoughts. Think simply to me, I am close by.

Do you understand? Did you feel that? At times my thoughts are so quick that they jump undistinguishably from the most terrible to the most wonderful. And it is so marvelous that your character is here with me for a moment, to stop and watch.

One must dwell. One must pause for a moment and be.

Where is the pause in the cast of characters in a man’s soul? There is no pause. It is a show that never stops, characters are ceaslessly replaced in a range of animated discussion. You seek a pause and I ask: by what right? The audience seeks entertainment!

At times you must kick up a racket, stop everything and observe. Be in firm consciousness to the core. To be silent as death, or to uncontrollably scream in the forest. You must be the leading actor and you can perform a beautiful, silent, soliloquy such as have never been. Will you be brave enough to keep silent?

I am barely brave enough to speak.

Which better expresses you?

Your thoughts? Your words?

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Existential Dialogues

If these questions touch something inside you

or stir a desire to explore more deeply together,

I warmly invite you to schedule an online session with me.

We can navigate these intimate and complex spaces side by side.

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